Since losing my son in February 2013 I have become an advocate for pregnancy & infant loss awareness. I want to make sure that no Angel gets forgotten. I want to break the silence and bring pregnancy & infant loss out into the open. I want to ensure that all bereaved parents can speak their child’s name without judgement. I want society to accept that babies die and we don't need to sweep the issue under the carpet.
I have given up a 15+ year corporate career to open a memorial boutique in honour of my son's brief Life.
'In Loving Memory Of Cash' aspires to ensure that bereaved parents have an opportunity to save the moment, without thinking about the details. Creating memorial keepsakes is a great outlet for my own grief. A piece of my heart & soul goes into every one of my creations.
IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT MAKING SOMETHING SPECIAL; IT'S ABOUT HONOURING A LIFE.
The most comforting words when grieving are “You Are Not Alone”. I am able connect with bereaved parents on a level that not everyone else can. I understand the intense pain & sorrow, the never ending heartbreak, and the heavy burden of empty arms.
~ MY STORY ~
Having previously carried five pregnancies to term; all producing healthy babies, I naturally assumed my sixth pregnancy would be a breeze.
Thirteen weeks along I had gone to the hospital with heavy bleeding. I was devastated, sure that I was suffering a miscarriage. An ultrasound the next day put my mind at ease; I heard my baby’s heartbeat. Doctors confirmed that my pregnancy was “viable” but advised they had noticed some “bruising” on my uterus. I was sent home and told to rest as much as I could.
At 9am on Monday February 4th 2013 I received a call from the Director of Maternity. They had found “something” in my routine 20 week ultrasound results and an appointment with my Obstetrician was scheduled for 2:30 pm that day.
At the appointment I was informed my baby had a “cleft lip”. I would need further tests and may have to deliver early. Having never heard of this, I googled ‘cleft lip’. The images shocked me; I was shattered, what had happened to my perfect baby?
Devastated & emotional I began calling my family to inform them what was happening.
After what seemed like an eternity, the phone rang. It was the Director of Maternity asking me to come in ASAP. My mind was racing with thoughts of what else could possibly be wrong. When I arrived I was informed that the Obstetrician had given me another patient’s information!
My baby was perfectly formed. There was however another problem. They told me I had extremely low levels of amniotic fluid and I would certainly not be able to carry this pregnancy to term. Arrangements were made for me to attend another hospital in a few days for more tests. Then I was sent home.
Dazed and confused after the day’s events I cried myself to sleep.
At 5am on Tuesday 5th February 2013 I gave birth to a baby boy at home. He was 20 weeks and 1 day gestational age and weighed a mere 340 grams.
I held my son his whole life; 8 minutes.
I named my son Cash Alan.
I watched Cash as he struggled for life; it is an image that will forever haunt me. I shared his pain and fear but there was nothing I could do to save him.
By the time ambulance officers arrived, Cash was already gone. I was taken to hospital and had the placenta surgically removed. When I woke up everything felt surreal. My mind and body went into autopilot. All I could think about was my precious baby boy who was gone forever.
Leaving the hospital with empty arms is the hardest thing I have ever done.
An autopsy found that my premature labour was caused by an infection of the uterus and placenta due to low levels of amniotic fluid.
Cash was cremated on Thursday February 14th 2013. I keep his ashes with me in a small urn. I plan to honour Cash’s Life on his birthday every year by releasing a butterfly. His five sunshine siblings will also release balloons with messages to their baby brother.
I have found some comfort in knowing that all Cash knew of Life was my love for him, but I will never truly come to terms with his death.
Thanks Tiona for introducing us all to In Loving Memory of Cash! I wish you all the best in the future x
